just tell him i said nine months
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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