Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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