i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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