Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize