theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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