Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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