If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
