Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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