Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
