as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
