She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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