I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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