my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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