My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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