got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
