I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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