Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
