I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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