Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
