running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Can I color on your dick again?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
