drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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