If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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