I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drake has all the answers
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
