Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
