There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
