She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
