Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
