She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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