I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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