never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So here I am, sexting at work.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
