if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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