We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize