I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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