i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
