Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
