I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't turn off my feet"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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