I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize