Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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