**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
