hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
