girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
