Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
