i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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