I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
