i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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