i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
