Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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