I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
