the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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