apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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