Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
