I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
