youre lurking in front of me
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
