i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
not ubering you a puppy
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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