just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize