Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
