the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
