im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
