This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
