You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
