I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
