I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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