whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
