Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
