either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
