even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize