Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
