Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
