the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Randomize
