That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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