there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I need a burrito and a hug.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
